What I Did On My Holidays

Sometimes you need a good old fashioned melodrama told from a kid's perspective to see things as they really are.

Or aren't.

Anyways, hope you enjoy this as much as I did. The only way to start a Monday is with a laugh:

For my holiday this year we went to the town of Venice. There, many canals are to be found, together with a big square, and much ice-cream is to be had. But, there are no Dodgems. It is not as good as Woburn Alley.

Leaving home at 10 past 7 we arrived in the town of Venice later. Our taxi driver was Mr Briggs. He vouchsafed (I wish I was coming with you) to which my erstwhile Father reply, (You can take my place if you like). The meaning of this Mysterious Remark was to be revealed ere an enchanting holiday was over.

Arriving in the town of Venice, we had Veal and Beetroot Salad followed by Cake, also as much Coca-Cola was you wanted. This on the plane before we got there, it was the Concorde. Arriving at our destination we travelled by Water Taxi to Journey's End, from whence our weary footsteps took us to our hotel. (What a dump) cried My Father, upon espying the Imposing Pile. The Water Taxi is not like an ordinary Taxi, it like a Boat. (I thought we supposed to overlook a Canal) he added for good measure, (This remind me of a Doss-house in the Caledonian Road).

(You were the one who wanted to come to Venice so stop moaning) maintained My Mother sturdily, adding as an afterthought, (I would have been just as happy in Frinton, at least it not smell).

(If left to me I would have stayed at home and played Golf) snorted My Father by way of reply, adding with a Meaning Glance towards the Writer of this narrative, (And if he fall in Canal after all I have told him, I not fish him out). Thus the scene was set for a Holiday I shall never forget.

Came the Dawn. In the town of Venice, as I was to discover to my cost, they only have Bread for their breakfast, eggs and Bacon being unknown in this backward land. But, if you go to the Shops, they always give you Sweets, if, you are on Holiday and, you buy something. This because these primitive people do not have money. They, the Holidaymakers, have money, but They, the shopkeepers, do not. Therefore, when you buy something, they do not give you change, they give you Sweets. Some of the aforesaid Sweets are red, some are blue, and others are purple, they like bubble-gum. Thus, I was able with God's Grace to survive that Fateful morning.

Little was said about the Matter until, My Parents came into room, to see if I washed my hands before lunch. I had not, but, I did not tell them, rather the reverse. Espying the Things I had bought upon my Bed, That Worthy sneered, (What all this junk?) Upon hearing my calm explanation, that, they were Presents, the Latter bellowed in voice stentorian (How much money have you got left?) Upon hearing me boldly declare (Nothing) he go Purple. He same colour as my Sweets. (We been here only 10 mins and, he has got through 5000 lire, it supposed to last him fortnight!) exploded the comical figure. His face a mask of evil, he snarled (Look at all this rubbish, why he buy castanets? I suppose if we go to Spain next year he spend every penny on blessed toy gondolas!!!!)

(Leave boy alone, for goodness sake, you always picking on him, pick pick pick) My Mother quavered staunchly, the blood draining from her lips.

(I will pick on him all right, I will pick him up, and throw him out of the bedroom window before I finished) swore My Father. So saying, he led the way to, the restaurant where we were destined to have lunch, but, I not hungry.

(By all means leave your canelloni if it not to your taste, it only costing the best part of a day's earnings) observed my Relentless Father, whereupon he turned to His Spouse with the rejoinder (Or perhaps he'd prefer some spaghetti hoops) This proved to be a cruel jest. I was Fated to have nothing to break my fast but fizzy water, a Morsel of bread and Profiteroles, also a Peach.

After our frugal meal My Mother vouchsafed that she would like to sit on the Big Square and, listen to the Band, but, My Father would have none of it. (You do not catch me paying £1 for thimble of coffee) declared the Miserly Fellow. After much discussion a compromise was reached, and, we went to see the Doge's Palace, where, many interesting dungeons are to be found, as well as the Torture Chamber, also many big drawings. Descending the golden staircase I meekly ask My Father if, I could have a pizza for supper. At this he gave a Hollow Laugh and groan (That bloody fantastic. You cart him all this way, you plonk him down in most beautiful city on God's earth, and all he can think about is Stomach). (We can't all be intellectuals) interjected My Mother with Dry humour. But, this not enough to stem My Father's Fury. Baring his teeth, he continue (At least he could use his eyes. Whe he came along Grand Canal yesterday, he not even look up, he just slouch in Water Taxi poking his finger through a Knothole). At this My Mother volunteered that, her Feet had swollen, also, that she wanted to spend Penny, so, we went back to the Hotel to be received by our Genial Host. After simple repast, I had Diarrhoea. So ended another Memorable Day.

On Monday we went to an Island, to see, them Blowing Glass, it like balloons but it is not, it is glass. I burned my Hand on furnace and, it was bandaged by a Nun. On Tuesday, we went round many Churches, they have much painting, but not on the wall, it is on the ceiling. My Father keep saying (Look up, lad! Look up, lad!) Also (Is he mentally deficient?) On Wednesday My Mother had a Blister, we sat in the big square at her request, pigeons being seen in large numbers. She had a Red Drink, whilst I had a Coke, and My Father had Whiskey. He go white when he get bill. (This cannot be the total, it the date) ran his statement.

On Thursday we went to, the Sands. Many ignorant people do not know there are Sands in, the town of Venice, but, there are. It is called the Lido. The Lido is reached by boat, it pass an Island which is a Graveyard. In the town of Venice, when you are dead, the funeral is done by boats, strange to relate. Likewise, the fire brigade and, emptying the dustbins, but, we did not see any of this.

Our fruitful expendition to the Lido was uneventful, except, My Father offered me 1000 lire if, I could swim to Yugoslavia, but I did not, and also, My Mother turn Bright Red all over. (I told you not to overdo it First Day) My Father crowed with scant sympathy for the Former, (You look like Lobster). (Oh shut up Miseryguts) My Mother riposted. They did not Speak again until Dinnertime when, I had Melon, a Plate of Chips and Mela Stragata, together with eighteen grapes. There are Dodgems at the Lido, but, My Father would not let me go on them. (This the Byzantine jewel of the Adriatic, not Battersea Fun Fair) quoth he darkly, with little meaning to my Good Self.

On Saturday, after tasting the Many Delights of the town of Venice the previous day, I ill. My Mother gasp shrewdly (This not just Diarrhoea, this Dysentery). My Father retort (With muck he been shovelling down, I surprised it not Bubonic Plague. Anyway, you not Fit to look after him, you are like a Lobster and also you are peeling like an Old Door, stuff this game for candles, I am going to see if I can get on tomorrow flight for Heathrow). With which he turned on his heel and Stormed Out.

My Mother said I could play quietly in my Room but, I did not. I went for Walk. Suffice to say that, My Father found me in Railway Station at, 9 p.m. My Mother was also among those present, saying (He wet through, he will catch Pneumonia). His Temples throbbing, My Father said monosyllabically (He been in Canal, he probably got Every Disease Known To Man by now. We are going, to take the Next Train to Milan, and, we will take Pot Luck from there. If, there are only two cancellations on plane, we will leave him Behind.) Thus our idyllic Holiday came to an auspicious end, and we said farewell to the town of Venice.

(By Keith Waterhouse)