How To Look 10 Months Younger

"How old are you?" he asks casually, like it's a polite question and not one that comes under “never ask a woman this if you don’t want her stiletto in your face” category.

"40 years and what month is it now, March? Well 40 years and 4 months exactly," I answer because firstly, I don’t wear stilettos and secondly, it is one my affectations to always answer this question without hesitation. (The other is that I insist on using a fountain pen rather than a Blackberry).

"Wow. You don't look your age at all. In fact, if you hadn't told me, I would have not pegged you at over 39 years and 6 months," he chuckles heartily.

I am stunned. 10 whole months younger! I must be doing something right. But what? There has been no botox, no eyebag surgery, no liposuction, no RM500 scar remover, no fad diet, no magical anti-aging creams, no Pilates, no personal trainer, no yoga routine, no transcendental meditation.

So I ponder on the good fortune of looking 10 months younger than my age without any associated effort and expense and try and figure out what my secret is so I can share it. I don’t get very far. So I try to summarise the things I do normally, because ostensibly they would be contributing factors. Bingo!

So here it is, painstakingly compiled for you, dear readers (all one of you) Jay’s Secret to Looking 10 Months Younger Than Your Age Without Even Trying:

1.Be a bum: Now, this one may seem obvious but it’s surprising how many people feel compelled to work. If you really have to work, try and stay out of the office as much as possible. Being away from the egos and the jostling for power of the petty bureaucrats will probably shave a couple of months off your biological age.

2. Lose your temper often. Repression is not good for you. When you lose your temper you let it out. And that’s for the best.

3. Toss off phrases like “I don’t like idiots” and “I don’t suffer fools gladly” and then don’t: Suffering fools, gladly or otherwise, adds lines to the face and pepper to your hair. Soon the fools will give you a wide berth and you may lose your job, but hey, this is not about keeping your job, it is about looking younger than your age.

4. Eat more chocolate: You see, it’s all about being happy and more chocolate makes everyone happier. Gorge yourself silly!

5. Have brief forays into alcoholism: during which you write suicidal poetry: Read lots of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, paint yourself lips and fingernails black and recite Lady Lazarus in lugubrious tones. Sing “Stolen Car” by Springsteen for added effect.

6. Go for long walks at the Bukit Kiara arboretum (or any arboretum for that matter): You will probably notice how all the geriatrics are much fitter than you and overtake you with ease. You will sulk awhile and come home to eat a whole tub of ice cream. This will make you happy which will contribute to your general sense of well-being.

7. Hang out with people who are a lot older than you: I’m talking 50 years older. Then everybody will look on you as the kid. And there’s nothing like everyone considering you a kid to feel well and truly youthful. You may have to develop some parlour tricks or the older people will not want to hang out with you. These are people who have actual conversations so you might want to read a bit and polish up on your conversational skills.

8. Go through periodic bouts of intense depression: I know this may seem counter-intuitive but it’s all part of the cathartic process. And didn’t Aristotle believe in the power of catharsis? Who are we to argue with a genius?

9. Cuddle something: It may be your Mummy, your cat, your dog, your teddy bear. I think cuddling is good for our health, has youthing effects and costs nothing. There was a study done where these rabbits were fed stuff that was supposed to give them heart disease. One group of the bunnies who were supposed to have popped off from their frightful diet, didn’t, just because the student administering the fatal feed, cuddled them. Which just goes to show…

10. If all else fails, learn to make really good desserts: You can bribe your friends (if you have any left) into saying that you look 10 months younger.