How To Grieve

A friend's mother passed away while I was airborne, on my way to Vegas via London. There was nothing I could do for her, but send her my condolences and express sympathy via Whatsapp. I wandered through Heathrow trying to find something that would put a smile on her face...well, I found the orange blossom candle from Jo Malone that is referenced in The Happiness Project...and some magazines. She loves British magazines.

So I came back and saw her - she looked absolutely shattered and her bones stuck out through her clothes, having lost so much weight when her mother was ailing and slowly dying.

That's how it gets you - the dying. And then the guilt hits, telling you, you could have done so much more, you could have prolonged her life if you had done this or that.

But would you want to?

I was thinking today, if our approach to death was to speed someone towards the light, their eternal home, rather than trying to hold them back in this place of suffering and darkness and despair, how would we approach funerals?

I am reading Buddha Standard Time by Lama Surya Das now, and I found the following about dealing with grief. In The Bright Side tradition, I thought I would share it.

1. FACE THE LOSS: Be aware rather than in denial. Do not avoid the pain, fear, anger, anxiety, regret, anguish, despondency, or whatever other emotions you feel. Remember: awareness is curative. Let the light in, and you will find your way.

2. GO THROUGH THE HEALTHY, NECESSARY STAGES OF GRIEVING: These usually  include some permutation of the following (1) shock, denial; (2) pain, anguish, anger; (3) bargaining, negotiating; (4) sadness, despair, hopelessness; and (5) gradual letting go and eventual acceptance. Remember: your path is unique; in whatever order or form it occurs, there is an authenticity and emotional validity to your own natural process and pace of suffering and acceptance. Give it time. Don't rush the grieving process. But don't prolong it unnecessarily, either. Find a Middle Way.

3. REMEMBER THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS: Understand the impermanent, tenuous, dreamlike nature of things, and decide the Buddhist mantra: this too shall pass.

4.  LEARN THE LESSONS: Recognise how things come about (cause and effect, or karma), and learn to steer a clearer course in the future. examine your own beliefs and assumptions about the painful situation, its meaning for you, and its past and future implications. Remember: the guiding principle is to start wherever you are, with awareness and patience, and then seek understanding.

5. PRACTICE PATIENT FORBEARANCE: One of the Buddhist principles on the Eightfold Path to Enlightenment is to develop inner strength, fortitude, resilience, tolerance and the long-term view.

6. BREATHE IN AND OUT:  Feel the pain, come to know it through examination and equanimity, and then release it. Remember: awareness is the key. Stay attentive, conscious and intentionally awake - no sleep walking through the difficult aspects of life.

7. EMPATHY AND COMPASSION:  Let the experience of pain and suffering leave you feeling tender, vulnerable and sensitive. Notice that others, too, are going through similar anguish, just as you have, and express empathy and compassionate kinship with them and their suffering. Remember: brokenheartedness can become openheartedness. Suffering is the greatest precipitate for spiritual change, inner growth, and transformation, and everyone experiences it at one time or another.