Follow Through

I don't remember which year it was, but it was some years ago, when I decided I would try Christine Kane's "word" exercise for the year. You choose a word and it is supposed to be something you remember and work towards for the whole year. Not being very good at following rules, I chose two words: follow through.

Because following through on anything had always been my Achilles Heel. I would get into something so enthusiastically, all that energy, all that fizz, all those dreams, fully intending that I would end with a bang, that I would have something to show for it, and it would develop and grow into something beautiful.

About the only things I ever managed to complete were needlework projects. Because even if I got bored and let them lie a couple of days, a couple of months, I could always pick up where I had left off. These projects didn't judge me. They were happy to see me again. And yes, I had a sense of progress as I moved through them. And I completed quite a few major ones.

And the people I gave them to, well, they loved them.

But as for the rest of my life:

This year I fully intended to complete my first novel.

Well I did.

A first draft.

And there it sits, gathering dust because the longer I leave it, the more reluctant I am to take it up again, to grapple with it, to massage or chisel it into some kind of shape. I know I should. And I make plans as to how I can.

Like if I go to work early every day, I can leave at a decent time, which means the night would be all mine, to do all these other projects. Maybe spend half an hour a day on the tapestry I intend to give Katherine. An hour on a letter I would write, giving it due attention rather than being some rush job at the end of the week so I send out the required number.

And maybe, an hour on the book...just an hour a day. Surely even I could manage that. I would type of the chapters...then get to work. Maybe yes, maybe at first I should just type out the chapters as is. Just leaving it in all their unedited glory.

And then, I should spend the one hour a day, working on them.

Does this mean no more nights out? No more Marking on a Monday night, going out for dinner with my friends, etc etc etc?

I don't know. Everything is up in the air, a work in progress.

But I get a sense of urgency creeping in these days. So much of my life has been put on hold, something I would get back to later when I was more in the mood.

Guess what. It's later now. Later than I ever thought it would be, with so little to show for it.

And so today, I commit to follow through. I know it's not the beginning of the year. But it's not the end either. At the end of the year, I will reckon up my accounts to see just what 2015 has brought me. I know what I hope. Now let's see how it plays out.

Leaning into the Light

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only within one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage in which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the greatest pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expressing of leaning into the light.

Barry Lopez, Arctic Dreams

What does the future hold?

Doing the needful

On Saturday I took the girl dog whom I have since named Sylvie to the vet. I had confined her in the compound at first, because she was driving the males crazy and I could see from all the spunk on her coat that she had been raped repeatedly. Her own brother wouldn't leave her alone and was going crazy trying to hump her.

Saturday morning I bathed her. Then I took her into the car. She didn't know what to make of it but she settled into the car pretty well. So well, in fact, that after the visit to the vet, when I brought her home, she jumped right back in and settled herself at the driver's seat, only coming out when I brought out her lunch. Yes, she jumped out of the car eagerly for that.

The vet visit went fine. Many people admired her fine black coat and smiled at her. I told them her story, that she was a stray who had been dumped with her brother as puppies in our area. Because of her markings, everyone agreed that she had Rottweiler blood. That would account for how fierce she is to threatening strangers, rats, cats, squirrels. But if you're kind to her, she's so sweet. She licked Dr Adah's hand.

Dr. said we couldn't do the operation while she was on heat but would have to wait for a month. She scheduled the spaying for June 20. In the meantime, she said, she could give Sylvie her first vaccination. As for that randy brother of hers, she asked me to bring him in on Thursday (that is today). And he would undergo the big cut as well as a scrotal ablation.

He is going crazy right now trying to get to his sister. I have taken to throwing water on him whenever he starts shaking the gate. What can I do? It's not that he's heartbroken about being separated from her. He just wants to hump. Dr Adah told me that it would take a month before the hormones finally leave his system and after he recovers from the castration and ablation, he would still want to hump. And would still probably have some sperm left to do it with.

Dadda is naturally, not happy. He is wondering how long I am going to keep the female one here. He is afraid she will start to regard it as her home. It has become really difficult to take her out because her brother comes bounding along trying to hump her every step of the way. She growls, snaps and bites him, to no avail. She licks Elliott's face because he is the only male dog not interested in participating in these randy kiddy games. Well, he was castrated a long time ago. No more sperm or hormones there to do any damage.

The Museum of Four in the Morning

The hour from night to day.
The hour from side to side.
The hour for those past thirty.

The hour swept clean to the crowing of cocks.
The hour when earth betrays us.
The hour when wind blows from extinguished stars.
The hour of and-what-if-nothing-remains-after-us.

The hollow hour.
Blank, empty.
The very pit of all other hours.

No one feels good at four in the morning.
If ants feel good at four in the morning
--three cheers for the ants. And let five o'clock come
if we're to go on living.

AMERICA - LIBERA

Libera's latest video; what can I say, I love them.

Week 21: Respond to a Situation Peacefully

This exercise is designed to have you consciously bring more peace into the world through a shift in your awareness. Try to transform a specific moment of anger, frustration, or dissatisfaction you have this week into a peaceful response.

Some examples of this concept in practice include:
- Instead of cursing the driver who cuts you off, smile.
- Instead of yelling at your children, hug them.
- Instead of speaking poorly of someone behind his/her back, say something nice.

Please note, this is not to say you should repress any of your emotions. To do so would be doing just the opposite of this theme's intent. If you want to scream, curse or rant, please do so. One way to interpret the theme is to forgive yourself if you behave in such a way, assuming that way is about to upset you.

The lesson here is to recognize how often we are contributing to the existence of negative energy and then to consider and act on how to transform that energy into something positive, thus bringing more peace, love and kindness into the world.

Summarize your experience in your journal in a way that honors the exercise.