A Week Later

It's a week into the new year. I didn't think I was going to make any real resolutions. I mean, I had been doing them for years, and look at the results? That big stagnating lump of coal in the corner? See that? Yeah, that's me.

Feeling tired all the time and not doing anything about it...setting my alarm for 5 in the morning and waking up at 11 (work starts at 10), staying up late doing really important things like playing (and losing) endless games of Spider Solitaire or reading....

And then close to Christmas, I had not one but two stories rejected. Back to back. Not good enough. Did not fit the criteria. And I was so tired. Running on empty. Wishing it was all just over so I could get into the car, drive back to JB and go to sleep for a while.

Anyways, since I had no leave for Christmas, I had to come back pretty soon after. And I had no leave for New Year's either, so I just cooled my heels in KL, cleaned my room. tried to find some semblance of organisation in all this chaos. And then, as things settled down, the dust cleared and I was thinking again. Not much, just a little. And resolutions formed themselves almost despite of me.

On the night before New Year, I opened my Starbucks planner (procured with much effort and 15 handmade coffees) and started writing down things I would do and ticking them off.

1. Write a letter
2. Meditation
3. A Course in Miracles
4. Tackle Jackie's origami set (one of my birthday presents)
5. Take dogs for walk.

and so on, and so on.

I saw the New Year in watching Field of Dreams. I wanted it to be symbolic...what you start the year doing continues the whole year round. I wanted this year to be about listening to strange and unexplainable voices in my head...but ones that led to ultimate good.

I didn't finish watching it. Just at the part where Ray and Terence go in search of Moonlight, I switched off the tv, went back to my room and started working on my list some more.

If you do the Christine Kane programme, you know that she recommends you have a "word of the year". Well, my word of the year is "follow through". Because, most times, I don't. I start with all possible enthusiasm and then "...I write, I paint, I find, I do not care..."

So yeah, the two things that would make a tremendous difference to my life? Increasing my energy level so I could actually wake up on time...and following through on whatever I had decided to do.

When out with George on Jan 2, and nodding off in the plush seats of Smokehouse, I decided that for energy, I needed vitamins. Lots of them. So I walked into GNC and walked out with over RM300 worth of them. And I have been taking them faithfully every morning. George thinks they are so much voodoo - if I believe they'll work, they will...but hey, I feel better, and I actually wake up early (er).

The meditation has been calming me down (but that's a long and winding road considering how knotted up I actually am).

But you know what's the best thing?

The feeling that even if I'm screwed up, at least I am doing something, a little, every day, to address it.

And that is worth all the resolutions in the world.