Single Dads

And then there are the single dads, who have to deal with a different set of issues. When property investor/developer DL lost his wife during childbirth, his comfortable, carefully constructed world collapsed all around him.

The suddenly single father of two very young children, 18-month old Kezia and newborn Rene, wandered around in a daze, trying to both deal with his grief and look after his baby daughters, a task he would not relegate to anyone else.

Life resolved itself into waking up at three in the morning to make formula for the baby, rushing out to buy diapers, while showing up for work and trying to hold it all together.

“In the beginning, I was frankly overwhelmed having to deal with the children by myself without my wife, as we had always been a very close couple and did not expect help from our extended families. We had always wanted to raise a family independently.”

To make matters worse, he discovered that Rene was found to be autistic, which meant another set of challenges. “They say it’s easier to be a single dad than a single mom simply because you’re usually the bread-winner. But single dads have to deal with a different set of issues like trying to run a household without a partner and trying to be both mother and father, especially to daughters, who need a strong mother figure in their lives.”

DL was fortunate to have significant support from a set of very wonderful friends -doctors, lawyers, accountants, teachers and most of his wife’s old friends and family. In addition, he got to know a few incredible people, who thought him how to deal with the needs of an autistic child, who were passionate about their fields of interest such as speech-language therapy and Applied Behavioural Analysis (ABA) early intervention therapy.

He pointed out that autistic children need special attention to unlock the potential in them via specific early intervention programmes. In addition to a phalanx of therapists, Rene requires a full-time nanny. “I’m fortunate to have such dedicated people in my life to help me deal with the challenges of being a single parent and having a special needs child.”

Today, self-employed DL arranges his life around his daughters. “My working hours are flexible and I arrange my meetings around the children’s schedules. And I usually work at night and weekends, after I have put them to bed, to make up for all the daylight hours of work I have lost.”

“My days are hectic, but I have no regrets that my time and energy are sapped by all this. Whatever it is, the children come first,” DL added.

His career priorities too have shifted drastically. “I’m no longer driven by materialism. Other things have become more important. I have a dream of becoming a social entrepreneur, where I impart my entrepreneurial skills to less privileged groups, say underprivileged children.

"For instance, instead of just giving them money to buy an oven so they can bake and sell cookies to raise funds, I want to teach them how to package and market the cookies as well as any commercial shop, turning it into a viable successful small business. In this way, it wouldn’t be about giving money to charity, but about teaching them to be self sufficient.”

He wants to get his children, especially Kezia, involved in these projects. “I want them to learn compassion for those less fortunate, and to understand how blessed they are. I will still strive to give my children everything they want, but I also want them to appreciate the positive elements in their lives despite the absence of their mother and the tragedy that has befallen us.”

DL said that despite his challenging circumstances, he draws strength from his children as well as the memory of his wife.“I see them growing up and growing up well. Kezia has become very resilient and understanding of her sister’s difficulties and Rene has improved tremendously under several therapy programmes along with the support of her school, teachers and friends. With both my daughters and my close group of dear friends, I have been very blessed.”