Q: Do you know how there's sometimes one area of you life that just doesn't work? For me, it's relationships. I've been seeking a partner for years, but I can never find anyone who is a good fit. What am I doing wrong?
A: Interestingly, although I have several specialties in my counseling practice, relationship work isn't at the top. And yet, I've received this type of question more than any other over the past ten years.
There are countless people seeking a life partner who are encountering challenge after challenge. Many of these people feel profoundly lonely. They also feel confused – after all, isn't it a positive thing to be in a relationship? If so, why is it so hard to find someone?
Let me respond to this question by sharing two spiritual themes that I find powerful.
The first theme is that working from a consciousness of abundance is a recipe for happiness, whereas working from a consciousness of scarcity is a recipe for misery.
The second theme is that giving something is how we strengthen it in our awareness.
Coupled together, these principles lead to two very different approaches to relationships.
Many people, in my experience, approach relationships with the idea that they need to search for something they lack – the "right" partner, or perhaps a "better" partner – and then get something from that partner (love, kindness, security, fufillment.)
This approach starts from a position of scarcity, and then tries to ameliorate that sense of scarcity by searching for something external. A Course in Miracles calls this the "seek but do not find" approach!
There is another approach that works much better. We can begin by turning within to our spiritual light. As we access this light, our hearts are filled with a sense of being loved. The love expands within us, and we wish only to allow it to flow through us.
We turn to the people around us, and share the love we feel with them. We extend kindness, care, compassion – all the things that we previously sought. Now we find that we have them in such great abundance that we simply wish to share.
I have yet to see someone operating from this consciousness of abundance and giving who fails to connect extensively with people. In fact, most people who operate from this awareness are flooded with so many requests to connect that they frequently need to work on being comfortable saying no!
The bottom line is that instead of seeking a partner, you may want to seek the awareness of your inner light – and then extend that light to others. You will very likely find that extension reflected in countless new relationships.
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