How To Look Younger And Then Some

I wrote this when I was 34. Now I'm nearly 40. And I still look 10 whole months younger. Something must be working.

"How old are you?" he asked, casually, like it's a polite question and not one of the 10 big no-nos and likely to get you bitch slapped.

"34 years and what month is it now, August? Well 34 years and 9 months exactly," I answer because one of my affectations is that I always answer this question without hesitation. (My other is that I insist on using a fountain pen, which makes many people look at me askance, but let us be eccentric or die)

"Wow. You don't look your age at all. In fact, if you hadn't told me, I would have not pegged you at over 33 years and 11 months," he breaks into an artless guffaw.

I am stunned. 10 whole months younger! I must be doing something right. Trouble is, I don't know what. So here, in an effort to share the blessing, I give you all the ways I know of to look at least 10 months younger.

1. Be a bum: Now, this may be obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people are addicted to having jobs they hate.

2. Go through periodic bouts of intense depression: I dunno, it's probably cathartic or something, but it certainly works for me.

3. Eat more chocolate: See it's all about being happy and more chocolate makes everyone happier.

4. Have brief forays into alcoholism during which you write suicidal poetry: Happened, in Australia where the wine was cheaper and more accessible. Again, donno why but it seemed to work.

5. Toss off phrases like "I don't suffer assholes gladly" and then don't. They'll give you a wide berth. It may be a little lonely at first, especially if you're surrounded by them, but heck, it probably shaves like a couple of months off your biological age.

6. Go for long walks at the Bukit Kiara arboretum: During which time you take note of how all the geriatrics are much fitter than you. Then come back and eat a whole tub of ice cream to comfort yourself.

7. Hang about with people a lot older than you: Like at least 50 years older. You're bound to look younger then.

8. Lose your temper often: Again, catharsis.

9. Cuddle your Mummy and climb on her lap if you can: She may scream get off you baby elephant, but enjoy it before she pushes you off.

10. If all else fails, learn to make really good desserts: You can bribe your friends into saying you look 10 months younger.