Yeah, this is from my stalking blog, but hey, I figured it was funny and more than suitable for this place...I think we need to establish a few rules for the hardcore stalkers (hardcore being me)...and the stalkees (that being Mark and now, Albert, and sometimes, Libera)
I've been thinking of writing rules for stalkers. You know, so we can cease to be so creepy and everyone can just get along. I must say, stalking Mark all these years, and the way he handles it has helped me create a code of behaviour so that everyone is comfortable, and nobody runs out of buildings screaming...
Actually now I think of it, some of the rules are for stalkers; others are for the stalkees.
1. Treat your stalker with polite distance; be clear where your boundaries are and how much stalking you will tolerate.
2. Memorise your stalkee's schedule; especially if they are a performer...they will appreciate you because performers need support in their gigs, and what better support than their very own stalkers.
3. Remember birthdays and try to give the stalkee something small, thoughtful and not over-the-top. (If you're mortgaging the house to buy it, it's over-the-top)
4. Be content to watch without demanding attention...if you're a pest, well, they'll think you're a pest.
5. Leave straight after the gig. Never stick around. Pretend you have to work the next day. Really have to work the next day. In short, have a life.
6. Try to bring someone else along. If you're alone, it's a little obvious...not that you care, but they might.
7. Memorise conversations, write them down - can be used later for cross-reference purposes.
8. Never join your stalker at a table...attention unsettles them and gives them false hope.
9. Never talk to your stalker for more than 5 minutes, OK, 10 minutes at most. (refer to 8)
10. Above all, exercise discretion...don't turn up for every gig, don't accept every invitation.
11. Identify your stalkee's scent and the source e.g perfume, body odour from countless hours spent in bars surrounded by cigarette smoke and alcohol, then replicate the scent, package it and sell. Gain income from stalking. (this last one is from my friend and colleague Haziq, a bona fide stalker, or so he claims...we shall see)
Of course, all this only applies if you're stalking Mark. If you decided to stalk someone else, well, you'll have to learn their rules for yourself.
Time and patience, my dears and we can all be good stalkers together.
That's too funny! I think... (nervous laughter) I have never stalked anyone, though I used to put together a dossier on every new manager we'd hire (filled with every possible thing I could scrape from any source whatsoever) for the general edification and amusement of our development staff. We'd even attempt a psychological profile based on their clothing selection in photos, landscaping choices, etc. We got quite a few laughs out of it. :-)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry Mike, I'm not dangerous...well, not really...not if you can ignore the staring eyes and the foaming mouth and the slight nervous tics, and the brushing away of imaginary flies and the flowers in my hair...
ReplyDeleteWell I guess i am a bit of a stalker, but I became one because Im still in love wiht her, the physical distance and because of her sudden total silence. No explanation no nothing only a hi once in a while. I could never hurt her or any of the bad stuff you always hear about. I was a bit schocked when I read the clinic description of the stalker/erotomaniac personality. Some fits and some dont, and it seems there are no levels...either you are or you are not.
ReplyDeleteWho are you? Come share. I'm crazy and weird and I like other crazy and weird people. Not that I'm saying you're crazy and weird.
ReplyDeleteOk super creepy but very helpful I did all the first three steps but his birthday is still yet to come and he invited me to his party but one problem, my parents said no ,good damnit!!!
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